Reality TV round-up: Lembit Opik's heartbreak, Gordon's close shave, cooking Kittens, Ross's 'Appwentice'

The Lembit/Cheeky crisis continues, with rumours that he wants his House of Commons pass back, and Cheeky Mum Margit is still smarting after he proposed without asking her permission (it's the Estonian way).

Gordon Ramsay nearly drowned while filming the F Word in Iceland. Nearly drowned? What does that even mean? I 'nearly drowned' in the bath this morning. Luckily I was saved. By NOT DROWNING.

Funny-faced Atomic Kitten Liz McLarnon won Celebrity Masterchef, in case you hadn't heard.

...and rumour has it that Jonathan Ross will join Alan Carr and Johnny Vegas in surely the least efficient ever Celebrity Apprentice, next March.

Apprentice Claire Young walked out of Big Brother

Ahhh, another beautiful synthesis story of two popular reality shows. Apprentice 'rottweiler' Claire claims to have got through several rounds of Big Brother auditions before walking off.

"I watched one series and my friends said let's try for it, but I was the only one who got through. I went through two rounds of interviews and then pulled out. I just thought: 'I haven't met one person in this audition that I'd want to have a cup of tea with'."

Yes, because Big Brother is all about everyone getting along famously, isn't it? Well, maybe not that famously...

Apprentice Raef tipped for Dancing on Ice

...or 'ice' as some people call it, a tad tersely, perhaps. Yes, the massive circle-jerk that is reality telly continues with the news that that Apprentice loser-turned TV presenter Raef Bjayou may well be performing on the new series of ITV1's ice skating programme. At the heats earlier this month, he insisted on performing in his suit and cravat. My sides!

"He was hilarious and proved to be a big hit," a source told the Daily Star Sunday. "Most people turn up to train in professional gear - but Raef proved a bit different. He's now a hot favourite to take part."

Raef has also signed up to join Living's Underdog Show this month, and will be presenting with Richard and Judy in the autumn.

Alex Wotherspoon to present new business show

Apprentice hopeful Alex Wotherspoon is probably going to be presenting a new business show. Alex is said to be in talks to make the programme for the BBC or Living later in the year.

The Sun, who always seem to know more than they've been told, say the concept will be similar to Ruth Badger's Sky One series, Badger Or Bust where the Apprentice runner-up tried to turn mediocre salesman into "winners". Presumably Alex's version will see him messing up the hair of aspirant businessmen-models and teaching them how to frown indignantly whenever anyone with a posh voice is talking.

Alex Wotherspoon receives text from Sir Alan

Some spiritual guides visit us in our dreams. Alan Sugar has an equally disconcerting habit of texting people his life advice and opinions. There was that fight with Piers where the Britain's Got Talent host called him a 'revolting human being'. And now Alan is getting SMS RSI all over again for young Alex Wotherspoon. Alex told Heat: "Sir Alan texted me saying, 'I know you are business through and through, and I know if you were going do modeling, you would do it alongside.'" I mean, what the hell, Sir Alan?! Are you a 14 year old girl? Pick up the phone, you coward! If you lurrrrve him, just tell him! Everyone likes to be told.

Raef: Rejected by The Apprentice - embraced by Richard and Judy

Despite his mediocre effort at interviewing a rambunctious Vanessa Feltz on their eponymous show, Richard and Judy have apparently seen fit to offer Raef Bjayou a regular presenting gig.

A source told the Sunday Mirror: "Raef is thrilled with the Richard and Judy deal. He's never shied away from the fact that The Apprentice launched his career, but he is keen to carve out a name for himself as a presenter, not just a reality TV star."

Which is all very well, but can't do much for his claims to want nothing more than to be Alan Sugar's apprentice. "Work as a businessman alongside the great entrepreneur... or be a presenter on Richard and Judy. Whatever, really. I just want to be on telly." He didn't say.

Duncan Bannatyne critical of Sir Alan's choice

The Dragon's Den star reckons Sugar should have fired Lee "Steve" McQueen as soon as he found out the Apprentice hopeful had lied on his CV. Possibly slightly harshly, he also said he wasn't surprised to learn that Lee had missed his first day of work due to illness, telling The Mirror: "That's what happens when you employ a liar," (I guess he means their noses get sore from all that growing?) "I'm so angry that Alan Sugar sent that message out to the country. If you want a job, kids, lie on your CV. I'm disgusted."

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Sir Alan steps down as Amstrad boss (or 'fires himself')

Which rather raises the question: what will happen to all the apprentices? He must be followed around by a fair string of junior versions of himself by now. Which mama duck are they going to attach themselves to now? But wait! The wonderful story of Alan Sugar hasn't ended yet. He's filming a new series of The Apprentice next year! It's almost like the show has nothing to do with him or his job at all!

In fact he's not retiring, just stepping down as chairman. Sir A continue to be involved with his other business interests, which include Amshold, Amsprop, Amsair and Viglen computers. The big man said: "This is a move that has been planned for a while and it's the right time for me to step down from my role at Amstrad. The past 40 years have seen Amstrad grow from a start-up business to the success story that it is today, which is credit to the talented and loyal team here."

Would you watch a Raef-hosted chat show?

He's all over the place at the moment, going on about how his agents are working their butts off trying to find him work. Which, considering the work they've been finding him is the opportunity to broadcast the fact that he wants work, makes the whole project rather fascinatingly paradoxical.

Star Trek crap aside, it seems that most of all our Raef wants a chat show - he even went on Richard and Judy and had a go at grilling Vanessa Feltz. (That's where he's been going wrong, etc). Personally, I'm thinking perhaps it's a bit too soon. Maybe Raef has more to prove to us before we trust him with our celebrities. Give him a radio show or something first? Even Chanelle took her time launching Wannabe Popstar. But it's not up to me, is it? What do you make of it all? Pick up a pen and write to the comments section, below.

Reality news round-up: Cerys & Marc - on again? Alex Wotherspoon - next top model? Kerry Katona's mum - and Brian McFadden?

Three unlikely stories for you on a Monday morning. Let's start with Cerys and Marc. Here they are on a motorbike, riding around London. I'm caught between an 'awww' and a 'yaaaawn' especially as the Mail doesn't seem to have any more information than what was supplied by the guy with the long-lens. Daily Mail bad grammar collectors will be interested to hear that the article does include this intriguing line though: "Marc, 34, kissed Cerys on the head with his arm in between shopping at posh shop Jo Malone."

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Apprentice winner reveals glam girlfriend

Honestly, you'd think he was the King of the world, or something. Lee McQueen has started 'paying tribute' to the special lady who helped him get where he is today. Which is, er, working at a salesman in the capital, well done. No one's ever done that before, you must be very pleased with yourself.

Funnily enough his missus, the improbably named Nicola Jellyman, is a company director herself. One does wonder whether 'inspiration' partly means, in the nicest possible way, 'pressure caused by slightly intimidating role reversal' -- from this interview it sounds like he's keen to be the breadwinner. Nicola adds: 'He's very traditional in that he wants to provide for his family. At the moment, though, we just have kittens. They're our babies.' Hey, each to their own.

Shit Lookalikes: young Courtney Love and Jenny Celerier

Missed opportunity for funny on the Heatworld site today, as they marvel at how 'sweet and innocent' the young Courtney Love looked. Sweet indeed! As usual Panto has to pick up the slack and point out the obvious... doesn't she just look like an even dopier version of Apprentice biatch Jenny Celerier? Give or take a chromosome? Doesn't she? Hmm?