The Baron - starting tonight!

The wonderfully feudal-sounding series begins tonight with three 'celebs' (read: reality tv stalwarts) relocating to a remote Highland community to attempt to convince the locals to vote them in as their 'Baron'. What an extraordinary idea for a show.

Potential overlords this week will include singer/ice dancer/award winning mother Suzanne Shaw and Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren. Couldn't get you a preview of the actual show, but don't worry - the clip over the jump is much, much better... isn't it? Hmm? Say: "Yes, my Gatekeeper."

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Reality round-up: Chanelle's sex tape in full, Arlene's revelations, BNTM reviewed and Gillian McKeith's in rubber

We weren't fooled by the Chanelle 'sex tape' publicity stunt, but now the whole clip has been released I have to admit even Panto didn't expect it to be quite so... horrid. Here's the full thing. Do you find it amusing? Do you also laugh at those 118 118 posters?

And it's nail-biting stuff over at Strictly, as Arlene reveals the judges' contracts haven't been renewed. They've all been demanding more money, of course, which might have something to do with it.

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Kelly Brook ends engagement with Billy Zane

Good news for the lads, bad news for those of us who believe that even former members of Biff's gang deserve a shot at happiness once in a while. It's a cart of manure on the head all over again for Bill as Kelly Brook calls off her engagement to the former Back to the Future actor. She reckons she's 'too young' to marry. Gah! That's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship. Oh Billy, I'm sorry. Do you have a similar-looking younger son who could be persuaded to help you two to stay together?

Hey Brook! You still there, Butthead? This is between me and Bill. Now why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here?

Reality news round-up: Alesha's suitors, Kelly's smart, Ramsay's law suit

Alesha Dixon has split from Aston Villa star John Carew, according to The Sun. She's said to be focusing on her new album instead. You go, girl! Who needs men when we have art?

Great picture here of Amanda Holden's mouth looking unpleasant, while Heat thinks Kelly Brook looked good at the Baftas.

...and over the pond, Gordon Ramsay is being sued for mild theatrical rudeness. The restaurant manager claims that Ramsay called him a lazy tosser, and that this has damaged his career to the tune of £500,000. One suspects that they should both have known what they were getting into. Welcome to America, Gordon...

Reality news round-up: Francesca's gone, Brucie's disdain, Connie's teeth, Niamh's skin

Francesca, you looked and sang like you were permanently in the middle of an allergic reaction to something, and now you're gone. The surprise, I think, was that you were up against Ashley, the one Andrew described as having a voice he "just doesn't rate"... and he still got rid of you.

We're live-twittering I'd Do Anything every Saturday over on the Panto twitter. Why not follow us?

Bruce Forsyth doesn't like reality shows. Apparently someone "just walking across the screen" is boring. Presumably "dancing across the screen" is fine though.

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Reality round-up: Who's crazy in love with Kerry? Dancing with the Pacinos, and Strictly Come Cooking

Denise Van Outen is obsessed with Kerry Katona's moribund wifestyle show "Crazy in Love". Well, I'm glad someone is.

Al Pacino's expressing interest in Dancing With The Stars! What do you reckon to that, eh, all you doubters who reckon our celebs on Strictly are just as starry..?

...and talking of dancing, Anton du Beke, as the excellent Paul Hirons over at TV Scoop points out, has just landed his first presenting job. He'll be heading up a show called So You Think You Can Cook. Amateurs will cross, um, wooden spoons with real chefs and, um, someone will give someone a roasting, or go off the boil or something. COUGH.

If you want to take part cut and paste this into your email To: field, with the subject header "It is me. I think I can cook.": soyouthinkyoucancook@endemoluk.com.

Reality TV news: Kaplinsky's secret, Oliver's retort, Apprentice rumours, Jade's single again

Twinkle-toed Channel 5 newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky is three months pregnant. But who's the father? Oh, you are awful. It's handsome investment banker husband Justin Bower of course. Why, who else could it have been?

And it's time for that picture again in The Sun... Barrowman and Van Outen have hit back at Kevin Spacey's claims that the BBC talent shows aren't doing much to help theatre. New respect for Denise who suggests maybe Kev's annoyed because he's "too old to play Oliver".

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Len would like to see a Royal on Strictly

Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman would like a member of the Royal Family to appear on the next series of the show. He's suggested that Zara Phillips or Princess Beatrice would be ideal additions to the dance contest. "We definitely want a Royal on the show," he told The Sun. "Princess Beatrice looks like she'd be a good dancer and then there's Zara Phillips - she's athletic. A politician would be great too. Some must be good dancers."

Tess Daly's already said she'd like Prince Charles to appear on the show. Wouldn't hold your breath on that one. We share a birthday and I wrote to him every year when I was little, inviting him to my party. That heartbreaker always had some excuse.

Priscilla Presley, Police Academy star Steve Guttenberg, tennis champion Monica Seles and magician Penn Jillette are among the current line-up taking part in US version, Dancing With The Stars.

Panto Poll: Would you watch Five news just for Kaplinsky?

What's Natasha worth to you? Strictly Come Dancing hasn't been too bad for someone's career, has it? Today Five is reporting a ratings increase for its evening news bulletin of 72% since Natasha Kaplinsky started presenting last month. Since the launch on 18 February, her 5pm broadcast has attracted an average audience of 847,000. (But let's put that in its place for a minute, the Beeb's teatime news still get's 3.6 million). Would you tune in just for Nat? Your grandparents didn't fight in the war so you'd refuse to vote in this poll, you know. Exercise your right.

Shit Lookalikes: Flavia Cacace and Jan Hamilton

I know what you're thinking... "Who?" Right? Well, Flavia's a professional dancer who used to be on a reality show called Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, you meant the other one. Jan Hamilton used to be a man. A soldier, no less, called Ian. But wow, look at him now! See, this is the thing: Flavia is a very beautiful woman. Jan is a very beautiful woman. They just happen to be beautiful in the same sort of way. If you read some kind of veiled insult into this, you got problems hun.

Sport Relief weekend - are you psyched?

I love Sport Relief. Not only is it all about philanthropy and fitness, it's also a great way of helping to raise money for charity by, like, sitting around on your arse watching telly. Sport Relief weekend is set to kick off tonight with a special TV fund-raising marathon to raise millions to help vulnerable people in the UK and the world's poorest countries.

Prepare yourself for a Strictly Come Dancing special with cricketer Mark Ramprakash, EastEnders star Kara Tointon and footballer David Ginola. Yay, 'tis a veritable galaxy of awkward, slightly camera-shy stars. In the land of sports-themed charity telethons, 'physical intelligence' rushes in where basic charisma fears to tread.

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Brendan Cole gets own dance show

It's a new BBC1 show, it's called I Wanna Dance With Somebody, and it's all about the sleazy South African's quest to find a new dance partner. The 31 year old is hunting for Britain's best amateur female dancer and he'll be "auditioning" (if you know what I mean) (I mean dancing with) scores of hopefuls each week before choosing one lucky lady.

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