I'd Do Anything Samantha lands lead role in Cabaret

We've been wondering what Sam's up to these days. Easily one of the best Nancys, but with a slightly creepy Manx following, we were worried she might be dressed in feathers and trapped in a golden cage suspended from the highest yard arm on the Isle of Man.

But no! I'm happy to report that the 17-year-old, who came third in I'd Do Anything despite almost turning Barry Humphries straight, will play performer Sally Bowles in the musical Cabaret. Dancer Wayne Sleep will also appear, the role of the Emcee.

I'd Do Anything was won by Jodie Prenger in May. She will make her debut as Nancy in the West End revival of Oliver! later this year.

Rachel Tucker, another former Nancy hopeful, has also been offered theatre work since appearing on the show. She recently signed up to play a lead role in West End musical We Will Rock You.

Reality TV round-up: Lembit Opik's heartbreak, Gordon's close shave, cooking Kittens, Ross's 'Appwentice'

The Lembit/Cheeky crisis continues, with rumours that he wants his House of Commons pass back, and Cheeky Mum Margit is still smarting after he proposed without asking her permission (it's the Estonian way).

Gordon Ramsay nearly drowned while filming the F Word in Iceland. Nearly drowned? What does that even mean? I 'nearly drowned' in the bath this morning. Luckily I was saved. By NOT DROWNING.

Funny-faced Atomic Kitten Liz McLarnon won Celebrity Masterchef, in case you hadn't heard.

...and rumour has it that Jonathan Ross will join Alan Carr and Johnny Vegas in surely the least efficient ever Celebrity Apprentice, next March.

Big Brother: Sally Morgan's psychic readings

What do you make of this? Psychic to the stars Sally Morgan fondles a pair of long johns and decides that the person in question has a problem with body odour, looks at a giant expensive watch and says 'oh this person is a wannabe' and plays with a wacky rag doll until a voice from the beyond reveals it's owned by someone a bit zany.

Truly, it'll send shivers down your spine.

Big Brother: Rachel's audition tape shocks Angels

Big Brother played the Hell housemates' audition clips to the Heaven team last night, and shocked them all with her, um, outrageous antics. For some reason the lads all took a shine to her. Mo said: "I like that Rachel." Mikey called her "a real sexpot", and Rex noted that "She was shaking her hair, pushed her boobs up then turned around and got her bum out."

All of which makes you wonder if they were watching the same video really. Clip over the turn, if you can bear it...

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Britain's Got Talent - Snooker dog Blue dies

I'm not mourning this one on my own, I'm dragging you lot down with me. I'm afraid poor old Blue is no longer with us. He has been accidentally killed by his owner Geoff Davies. Davies told The Sun: "Blue was up to his normal tricks, chasing a JCB I was driving. It was such a warm day he took cover under a tractor. I moved from the JCB to the tractor.

I didn't know he was under the wheels. As soon as I realised what had happened I was horrified. It was too late to call the vet, so I sat with him while he drifted off." He added: "Of all the things, I was the one who ran him over."

Let's remember Blue by watching the clip of him 'playing snooker', overleaf...

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Big Brother news: Bex snogs Mo, truth or dare, Mario's delusions

So Luke's down in the dumps after Bex snogged Mohamed! The plot thickens, but she sure can pick 'em...

There was a 'revealing game of truth or dare' last night, Bex thinks she's going tonight. Luke thinks he's going next week. Kat and Rachel both named Luke as the person they'd least like to see win.

...and in that parallel universe outside the house, where evictees live alongside Rose Tyler and the half-human Doctor, terrifying alien monster Mario has been signed up for the judging panel of Nuts TV's Babe Search 2008. He says he seems himself as "the Simon Cowell of the modelling industry." Bit premature, considering he hasn't done anything yet. Ever.

Big Brother Luke had never kissed girlfriend

Yes, according to tabloid reports, a 'heart-to-heart that was not shown on TV' took place, where Luke told Bex his girlfriend of six months had never let him kiss her. Fair play to her, in a way. We're not sure we'd let him kiss us, either.

Bex decided Gina had treated Luke badly, and the two housemates are now so close that Big Brother is keeping condoms on standby in case the pair, um, need them.

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EastEnders stars banned from Strictly Come Dancing?

I love this headline. So suggestive. EastEnders stars... forbidden? Really? I know they're annoying but but actually banned? It's so deliciously extreme! And why, it just makes me want them more!

In fact this is about reports that the soap's producers can't spare anyone for the length of time that the dance show now lasts - the next series will be 16 weeks long. What can I tell you? Sometimes the truth is dull. Keep coming back though, don't you?

Simon Cowell voted top Reality TV villain

It's hard to believe, but in America, Simon Cowell is still genuinely considered to be a baddie. The accent helps, I should think. According to a poll released yesterday, he is America's favourite reality show villain, while fellow American Idol judge Paul Abdul was declared the worst judge in reality tv. Possibly enough to tip her over the edge. "American Idol" itself was voted best reality show on US television, and also bagged the top spot for "hottest hook-up" - with 44 percent of the vote going soppy for "Idol" winner David Cook and former contestant Kimberly Caldwell, who were pictured out on a date together.

Big Brother: Housemates bitch about Rachel

Poor Rachel. I know she's WELL annoying, but is she really a monster in disguise, like the Hulk? It seems impossible, but the housemates are convinced.

The Heaven-based housemates had a good bitch about her last night, deciding she must be a 'fake'. Luke said she was "the biggest game player in here" - a mite rich, coming from him - adding "I'm convinced when she goes into the Diary Room she slags us all off. She has no problem nominating whatsoever."

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Top 5 most annoying Big Brother commentators

Davina has just done a list of top 5 Big Brother villains, so it's funny that she comes top of my 5 most annoying Big Brother commentators. Who else is on my hit-list? Come, I'll show you...

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Reality TV "I'm not here to make friends" montage

Possibly my fave thing about this clip (which comes from here incidentally) is how LONG it is. Which leads to the disturbing question of how long it took to make. Worth it though, even if he spent his whole life on it. A wonderful legacy to be buried with.

New show for Amanda Holden?

Moon-faced talent show judge Amanda Holden is tipped to present a new show about making people's dreams come true. The Wish List is made by Ant & Dec's production company, and will see Holden setting up wonderful 'experiences' for unwitting civilians.

A source said: "Think Jim'll Fix It meets Surprise Surprise. [Dear God - Ed] Each week Amanda will give people the chance to live out their dreams on TV. If you've ever wanted to sing with Take That or do a base jump into the Grand Canyon, she could make it happen. With the credit crunch tightening its grip people are in need of some feelgood TV. This will be just the tonic."

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Big Brother: download housemate ringtones

Those maniacs at Channel 4 have created ringtones from samples of the housemates, and MAN they are annoying. More annoying than anything you've ever heard before in your life. I don't recommend even listening to them for fun before you're fully awake and in a jolly good mood. And even then it'll only really work played softly in the background of a PiL track. When everything is in order, check out this 'Bex ringtone' - but not before!

Ant & Dec's US debut is a flop

Ant and Dec's have finally made their big stateside appearance... but their first show has pulled in just four million viewers. The pair's quiz show Wanna Bet! went out on Tuesday night in a primetime slot on ABC.
The disappointing ratings were blamed on the lads being put on after an unpopular show. Yes. That's probably it.

Dec said: "We're looking forward to growing our audience here over the series."
Ant added: "We were very pleased with the first show." The pair will stay in the US until they get kicked out of there as well.

Big Brother Poll: who should go this Friday?

Oh Big Brother, just take all of them. Darnell, Bex and Mohamed are ALL up for eviction this Friday.

The housemates moved into the Garden Area where Bex told the others: "I knew it was gonna be three people and it was exactly as I predicted." Brrr! Creepy. Say Bex, anything in your crystal ball there about you and Luke??

Now, you know what I'm going to ask... don't you? Who should go? Vote over the turn...

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Bobby Davro to appear on 'I'm a celebrity: get me out of here'?

The Star might not always be the most reliable source of hard news around, but it's never wrong about I'm a Celebrity rumours. Oh, wait. Yes. Yes, it is. That's what it's wrong about the most, in fact. And if we're honest, we're kind of hoping it's wrong about this one. Annoying comic-turned-Eastenders actor Bobby Davro might be in line for the next series of the jungle reality show. Reports at the weekend hinted Davro had quit the soap for a new project. He's also AVAILABLE FOR PANTO (cheer now) after being rumoured to appear in one this Christmas. Last week the comedian said: "I have had a fantastic year with EastEnders and made lots of friends. I hope to be back at some point."

Big Brother Flirt Alert: Luke and Bex - a second smooch?

You could be forgiven for thinking that the only bits of Big Brother I have any interest in at all are the ones that feature these two characters. I'm sorry fans of Dale, Maysoon, etc, I just can't help my obsession with this pair.

They really are the best, aren't they? Check out this clip of them and see if you don't just want to squidge them both together on that chair to make one big Lu-becca creature. Sounds like they might have had another little clinch, and they're still denying any romance... but are they protesting a tad too much?

Apprentice Claire Young walked out of Big Brother

Ahhh, another beautiful synthesis story of two popular reality shows. Apprentice 'rottweiler' Claire claims to have got through several rounds of Big Brother auditions before walking off.

"I watched one series and my friends said let's try for it, but I was the only one who got through. I went through two rounds of interviews and then pulled out. I just thought: 'I haven't met one person in this audition that I'd want to have a cup of tea with'."

Yes, because Big Brother is all about everyone getting along famously, isn't it? Well, maybe not that famously...

Interview: Jenny from Britain's Missing Top Model

We love Britain's Missing Top Model here at Panto, and jumped at the chance to get an exclusive interview with ballsy American beauty Jenny, the latest hopeful to depart the show.

Come over the page to hear Jenny's views on fame, food, the other girls, and what she really thinks of Britain...

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Sarah Jessica Parker art show for Bravo?

SJP, according to some reports, will be bringing an art-themed reality show to US telly. 'American Artist' has been described as an art version of 'Project Runway' - you wonder why no one's done this before - with artists producing various works to be judged by a panel of experts. Presumably it's then decided, finally and forever, which is the 'best' piece of art. Quite where old Carrie Bradshaw fits into all this we're not sure. Maybe she's a life model.

SJP fans should check out this article about all the millions of other things she's doing these days; we do love her here at Panto, but at the end of the day we're just interested in the reality telly.

Big Brother Kat and Mohamed: get them out?

Everyone loves Kat, riiii? Wro. She may be the bookies' fave, but she wasn't popular with Big Brother when she broke house rules yesterday. Kat and Mo nicked some bananas during the Hanging Around task and Big Brother ordered them to pack their bags. The softies changed their mind after Kat turned on the waterworks, and they lived to see another day.

The Channel 4 site's message boards are less sympathetic, however, with fans demanding - possibly rightly - that they both get kicked out.

One post read: "Mo and Kat, bye, bye. Kick both out. Simple, don't do the crime if you can't do the time." Another comment, presumably from a high court judge, rules that they are "gilty on both counts". What do you reckon? Is BB being soft on them cos they're popular?

Shit Lookalikes: Fearne and Holly

The Sun carries the 'news' today that Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby are great mates and are hanging out together. But my problem is this: which is which?!! It's not just me, is it? Do they really all look the same, or am I just a bit autistic? Help me out here. I need to know if I should be getting professional treatment, or at least have a reason to ask for extra time in exams and that.

Big Brother: Belinda's gone...

Oh Belinda, Belinda. We won't really miss you. But you have GOT TO LOVE THE SNORING. I mean, wow! Is she definitely humanoid? Some kind of terrible accident in the lab with a pig, a chainsaw and that dodgy particle transmogrifying machine Jeff Goldblum uses in The Fly? Let's see it again.

Apprentice Raef tipped for Dancing on Ice

...or 'ice' as some people call it, a tad tersely, perhaps. Yes, the massive circle-jerk that is reality telly continues with the news that that Apprentice loser-turned TV presenter Raef Bjayou may well be performing on the new series of ITV1's ice skating programme. At the heats earlier this month, he insisted on performing in his suit and cravat. My sides!

"He was hilarious and proved to be a big hit," a source told the Daily Star Sunday. "Most people turn up to train in professional gear - but Raef proved a bit different. He's now a hot favourite to take part."

Raef has also signed up to join Living's Underdog Show this month, and will be presenting with Richard and Judy in the autumn.

Panto Poll: Are you glad Luke was dumped?

Young Luke, as we know, has been publicly ditched by his bespectacled teenaged lovely, Gina. But is he really such a love rat? How do we feel about the dumpage? Get your vote on, kids.

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Michael McIntyre to present Big Brother's Big Mouth

We literally cannot get enough of Michael McIntyre at the moment. His videos aren't going up on the Channel 4 site nearly as often as we need them to sate our endless thirst for the man, but this last one, about the new girls going in last week, is brilliant.

Impression of Sara: "I'm very pretty... from the front. From the side I kind of look like a hammer." And you thought I was mean. And Michael's presenting BBBM next week! Huzzah!

New US reality show will make you Hurl!

Stephen King predicted horrific reality shows like The Running Man for a 21st century dystopia. But the future turned out to be even scarier than he foresaw. It's 2008 and what have we got? We've got a new show which involves people stuffing themselves then trying not to be sick in the hope of winning some money. The biggest eaters are rolled around in metal rings until they throw up. I swear I am not making this up. What's it all for? £500, and the glamour, presumably. If you've been running low on puke puns lately, stock up over on the Hurl website, and there's a trailer over the page...

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Damages paid to Jan Stanek patient

I've always thought there was something dodgy about 10 Years Younger plastic surgeon Jan Stanek. That accent. The idea that someone who could have any face in the world would choose that one. He has a real whiff of the evil supervillain about him, behind a veneer of avuncular pleasantry, of course. They're always so charming to begin with, aren't they? Then they start prodding at your eye bags.

So it was no great shock to hear that he's in the middle of some legal strife after a woman had a stroke during a face lift operation. He's also being sued by TV's Kate Silverton, who reckons laser treatment left her too puffy-faced to return to work.

Big Brother: housemates fall ill

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. A nasty bug has swept through the house, with five housemates falling ill with either dizziness or diarrhea. Luke's been bed-ridden all week with it (he claims) and now housemates Stu, Bex, Sara and Belinda aren't looking - ahem - too clever, either. Epidemic, or just mass hysteria? I know what Doctor House would say.

Stu's had some serious runs. Bex seemed to collapse on the way to the Diary Room because she was feeling so weak. Sara's complaint about being "delirious" is kind of backed up by the very fact she said that, while Belinda worried she'd "pass out".

Doctors were on stand-by and producers were even preparing to rush housemates for treatment.

The bug descended after the group went without food and sleep to cycle 520 miles between them on two bikes.

Alex Wotherspoon to present new business show

Apprentice hopeful Alex Wotherspoon is probably going to be presenting a new business show. Alex is said to be in talks to make the programme for the BBC or Living later in the year.

The Sun, who always seem to know more than they've been told, say the concept will be similar to Ruth Badger's Sky One series, Badger Or Bust where the Apprentice runner-up tried to turn mediocre salesman into "winners". Presumably Alex's version will see him messing up the hair of aspirant businessmen-models and teaching them how to frown indignantly whenever anyone with a posh voice is talking.

Classic Reality TV: watch Kerry and Jordan in the jungle

Remember when Jordan and Kerry were kind of cute and adorable? Back when men were men and Kerry was a McFadden? When Jordan and Kerry were IN THE JUNGLE TOGETHER? I know, right? Seems like a lifetime ago. But here they are, munching on bush cockroaches, before the curse of the jungle, and Peter Andre, struck...

Panto Poll: Who do you want out tomorrow?

So. It's between these two monkeys is it. Is Rex sexy, girls? Doesn't he look a bit like a less pigmented version of Nasty Nick? On the other hand, Belinda wants to stay in the house so bad you've got to wonder what she's on the run from. It's like the island from Lost in there, really it is.

Rex and Belinda: who should go? YOU DECIDE.

(Please say Rex)

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Would you be sorry to see Big Brother go?

Viewing figures are falling, housemates are desperate, producers are desperater. Things aren't looking good for Big Brother. Ratings have dropped from 10million in 2003 to a mere 2.6million this week. Australian Big Bro has been, um, evicted, despite the surprise introduction of Pamela Anderson to the latest series. So if they do get rid of the UK version, will you mourn its passing? Or dance like Baryshnikov all over its fresh grave?

Big Brother: Love rat Luke dumped by girlfriend!

Turns out the girlfriend of flirty jug-ears Luke really does exist, in real life, and not just 'on the street in your head' as Marge Simpson would say. She kind of looks a bit like him, in a wig, and she's dumped him - on his 21st birthday. Gina Bannister, 17, ended it after seeing her boy canoodle with Bex on Big Brother... a double surprise, as she didn't even know he was going on the show...

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Kerry Katona says rehab is 'like Butlins'

Obviously the temptation to ask in what sense? is just too great. Is Paul Shane there now? Katona's last trip to rehab was in March, when she was heavily pregnant and citing "depression". Because, of course, rehab's sure to cheer up even the gloomiest celeb. In her upcoming MTV one-off called *shudder* "Kerry Katona: The After Birth" she'll discuss how she uses The Priory to "recharge". She insists: "It had nothing to do with drink or drugs. It's like a holiday camp at The Priory, it's like going to Butlins for the weekend." Butlins is cheaper, you know.

The show airs on July 27 at 9pm.

Lembit and Gabriela - is it really over?

I literally cannot bear the thought, but the mean press are having a field day as rumours emerge that the couple haven't spoken for weeks. Yes, they were bizarre. Sure, they were cheesy. But what was in it, for either of them, if not true love? He proposed to her by the Trevi fountain in Rome. He called her his "intellectual equal", (which could be true actually, looking at the pair of them.) Was it the age gap? Was it because he took her to the science museum? Lembit has raved about the fascinating conversations the two would get into: "One evening, for instance, we discussed the concept of a perfect circle, as a geometric challenge." Gabriela's contribution was, presumably, her bum. But seriously, hands off, Gabby love. he sounds great. I'll marry him.

Big Brother: Create a face with the 'face maker'

The Big Brother website invites us to 'create a stunner like Sara'; and as you can see, I've had a valiant attempt. This is an unusually fun Flash app, which lets you manipulate every part of the face to create a realistic (well, ish) likeness of your fave Big Brother stars. And if, like me, you're getting a bit sick of seeing Sara's ridiculously perfect face all the time, why not have some fun with it? Just don't do one of Alex - she might send her heavies round to duff you up.

Classic Big Brother: Watch Nikki's audition video

"I think I'm just special. Special". We can't argue with that. Check out this oddly cute video of BB7's Nikki in a funny hat, long before she had any kind of fame. She's actually something of a natural on camera. I don't mean to sound surprised.

Alex Wotherspoon receives text from Sir Alan

Some spiritual guides visit us in our dreams. Alan Sugar has an equally disconcerting habit of texting people his life advice and opinions. There was that fight with Piers where the Britain's Got Talent host called him a 'revolting human being'. And now Alan is getting SMS RSI all over again for young Alex Wotherspoon. Alex told Heat: "Sir Alan texted me saying, 'I know you are business through and through, and I know if you were going do modeling, you would do it alongside.'" I mean, what the hell, Sir Alan?! Are you a 14 year old girl? Pick up the phone, you coward! If you lurrrrve him, just tell him! Everyone likes to be told.