Dancing on Ice stars confirmed

Well I say 'confirmed' - this comes from The Sun so have a pinch of salt handy just in case.

Those set to take part in the skating show this autumn include Emmerdale actress Roxanne Pallett and former EastEnders muscle man Joe Swash. Roxanne is leaving the soap and presumably wants something to, er, 'keep her profile high', while she's, um 'between jobs'.

Swash, 26 (pictured) (26?!) will have similar hopes. Other people you've never heard of expected to take part in this year's show include...

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Holly Willoughby thinks Svengali is a place in Africa

And really, what else can I add? The Mail is quite openly disappointed that the Dancing On Ice presenter showed up in a pair of 'concealing jeans', but she soon makes up for it with the staggering blooper above.

The reporter asks if Holly sees Cowell as a svengali figure. "Is he from Svengali?" comes the presenter's reply. "I didn't know that. Is Svengali in Africa?" See, it's kinda mean, because the reporter's no genius herself. The article is, I really have to stress, very badly written indeed. Still, last word has to go to Holloughby, as I rather think she should be called. "Snooty people who attack these shows are wrong. There were always talent shows, such as Opportunity Knocks, and when the public gets to vote for its favourite new star that's more democracy than we get in politics."

Reality news round-up: Piers vs Alan, Natasha's hair vs the wind, Chanelle vs plumbers

Piers Morgan's still sore over Sir A firing him from the charity Apprentice, and is now pleading with viewers to vote for Britain's Got Talent at this weekend's Baftas, when both shows will be competing for Audience Awards.

Doesn't Natasha Kaplinsky look five million billion times better without her normal get-up? Just natural, windswept...ah. Pregnancy suits her.

Chanelle's had enough of footballers and wants to meet "a normal guy. Like a plumber". Keep reaching for that rainbow, kid.

Suzanne Shaw to play Roxy in Chicago

Singer, ice skater and sometime Reese Witherspoon lookalike Suzanne Shaw will be doing a West End turn this summer, starring as Roxie Hart in Chicago at the Cambridge Theatre from June 2nd.

Be quick though, she'll only be there for six weeks, with her run ending on July 12th. More details...

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John McCririck signs up for Dancing on Ice

The inexplicable career of old lambchops continues. John McCririck has revealed that he will be taking part in the next series of Dancing On Ice.

He's done Celebrity Wife Swap, Celebrity Big Brother and this year's Big Brother spin-off Celebrity Hijack. And now he's signed up to this, despite the ice skating show not having the word 'celebrity' in the title. McCririck says he won't wear any 'ridiculous' costumes, instead opting to skate in his very un-ridiculous deerstalker hat and tweed jacket.

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Reality news round-up: Big Brother's Little Sister, Lloyd Webber's secret hit, and Dancing on Ice scandals

Lloyd Webber had once had a chart hit that took him almost up to the top spot in the charts, but no one knows what it is...

Konnie Huq's name is still being bandied about for Big Brother's Little Brother, along with Alexa Chung and Miquita Oliver. Big Brother's Big Mouth will be back, too, with different guest presenters each week. Sorry Corden/Horne fans :(

and in the world of Dancing on Ice follow-up stories, Gareth Gates has been living it up with Emma Bunton's sister, even though he's engaged to someone else (not Emma Bunton) - incriminating photos right here.

...while Suzanne Shaw was £200,000 in debt and had to get her mum to send emergency food packages after Darren Day left her holding the baby. It's easy to judge but if we're honest, how many of us haven't been in that exact same position at some point in our lives? With Darren Day.

Suzanne Shaw has never heard of Clinton or Obama

I had high hopes for her, so believe me it gives me no pleasure to reveal that Suzanne Shaw might just be the new Jade Goody. When asked which of the two US Presidential candidates she liked best, the Dancing on Ice winner replied: "I'm going to be honest. I've never heard either of these names before." Here's a tip: honesty is not always the best policy Suzanne. In the future, please just pick one at random. There's also a rumour going round that she's going to create her own "Suzanne" Barbie doll. How will we tell them apart?

Suzanne Shaw wins Dancing on Ice!

Yes, it was a triumph of age over beauty this weekend as former Hear'Say star's blades of glory beat 20 year old Chris Fountain's efforts in the Dancing on Ice final. Both couples had a crack at Torvill and Dean's signature dish, Ravel's Bolero. Suzanne told Phillip Schofield she had "loved every single second" of the competition, and confessed she'd never expected to make this far. "I just wanted to get half way through the series and I would have been proud of myself for that," she said. Considering she'd been injured at pretty much every stage, it wasn't really false modesty, either. Here's the winner being announced. Oh, can you bear it?!

Hit 'Continue' to see the great T&D performing the Bolero themselves...

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Jason thinks Chris's success "unfair"

Silver-tongued Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner doesn't think Chris Fountain should be in the final.

Hollyoaks star Chris already had a fair bit of skating experience when he agreed to do the show - he'd been playing ice hockey for years. Jason told The Sun: "Chris has an unfair advantage because he was already able to skate. He had to work on his dancing but Zaraah and Suzanne had to overcome their fear of the ice." Jason then added, hopefully after an ominous pause, "He didn't have the fear."

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Panto Poll: Can Holly crack the US?

Ms Willoughby, you know - the one with the revealing dresses off of Dancing on Ice, is being courted by the States. But does she have what it takes? Be honest now.

Leona Lewis singing "Better In Time" on Dancing on Ice

You know what I think when I watch Leona? I think you just know she's going to age well. She's got one of those faces that will see her through. Bitch. Not bad though, is she?

News round-up: Gareth's wedding, Chantelle's drunk and Cowell's rich - but it's all about Jordan really

Who else had forgotten or blocked out of their memory the fact that Gareth Gates had a fling with Jordan!!! So she's not invited to his wedding, it turns out. Gareth love, you can ignore it but that won't mean it never happened.

Talking of Jordan, her protege is learning well. What was Jordan's response to all this? Did she grab Chanters by her flimsy shoulders and shake her like a ragdoll, while booming "I CREATED YOU! AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?" Yes, of course. She also said "She's never going to be me."

Following on from the shock news that he has an expensive house, now it's being reported that Cowell has bought a very expensive car. He's a wealthy guy. He's going to have expensive stuff. Get over it.

Who's going to win American Idol? USA today think it's likely to be a boy. But it was probably a boy who wrote it, so we should take such "investigative journalism" in the "respected newspaper" USA Today with a pinch of salt.

There's going to be a Canadian version of How Clean is Your House! Aggie's performance on Ice obviously didn't damage the brand as much as we feared.