The Sun carries the 'news' today that Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby are great mates and are hanging out together. But my problem is this: which is which?!! It's not just me, is it? Do they really all look the same, or am I just a bit autistic? Help me out here. I need to know if I should be getting professional treatment, or at least have a reason to ask for extra time in exams and that.
...or 'ice' as some people call it, a tad tersely, perhaps. Yes, the massive circle-jerk that is reality telly continues with the news that that Apprentice loser-turned TV presenter Raef Bjayou may well be performing on the new series of ITV1's ice skating programme. At the heats earlier this month, he insisted on performing in his suit and cravat. My sides!
"He was hilarious and proved to be a big hit," a source told the Daily Star Sunday. "Most people turn up to train in professional gear - but Raef proved a bit different. He's now a hot favourite to take part."
Raef has also signed up to join Living's Underdog Show this month, and will be presenting with Richard and Judy in the autumn.
Well I say 'confirmed' - this comes from The Sun so have a pinch of salt handy just in case.
Those set to take part in the skating show this autumn include Emmerdale actress Roxanne Pallett and former EastEnders muscle man Joe Swash. Roxanne is leaving the soap and presumably wants something to, er, 'keep her profile high', while she's, um 'between jobs'.
Swash, 26 (pictured) (26?!) will have similar hopes. Other people you've never heard of expected to take part in this year's show include...
Piers Morgan's still sore over Sir A firing him from the charity Apprentice, and is now pleading with viewers to vote for Britain's Got Talent at this weekend's Baftas, when both shows will be competing for Audience Awards.
Doesn't Natasha Kaplinsky look five million billion times better without her normal get-up? Just natural, windswept...ah. Pregnancy suits her.
Chanelle's had enough of footballers and wants to meet "a normal guy. Like a plumber". Keep reaching for that rainbow, kid.
Singer, ice skater and sometime Reese Witherspoon lookalike Suzanne Shaw will be doing a West End turn this summer, starring as Roxie Hart in Chicago at the Cambridge Theatre from June 2nd.
Be quick though, she'll only be there for six weeks, with her run ending on July 12th. More details...
The inexplicable career of old lambchops continues. John McCririck has revealed that he will be taking part in the next series of Dancing On Ice.
He's done Celebrity Wife Swap, Celebrity Big Brother and this year's Big Brother spin-off Celebrity Hijack. And now he's signed up to this, despite the ice skating show not having the word 'celebrity' in the title. McCririck says he won't wear any 'ridiculous' costumes, instead opting to skate in his very un-ridiculous deerstalker hat and tweed jacket.
Lloyd Webber had once had a chart hit that took him almost up to the top spot in the charts, but no one knows what it is...
Konnie Huq's name is still being bandied about for Big Brother's Little Brother, along with Alexa Chung and Miquita Oliver. Big Brother's Big Mouth will be back, too, with different guest presenters each week. Sorry Corden/Horne fans :(
and in the world of Dancing on Ice follow-up stories, Gareth Gates has been living it up with Emma Bunton's sister, even though he's engaged to someone else (not Emma Bunton) - incriminating photos right here.
...while Suzanne Shaw was £200,000 in debt and had to get her mum to send emergency food packages after Darren Day left her holding the baby. It's easy to judge but if we're honest, how many of us haven't been in that exact same position at some point in our lives? With Darren Day.
I had high hopes for her, so believe me it gives me no pleasure to reveal that Suzanne Shaw might just be the new Jade Goody. When asked which of the two US Presidential candidates she liked best, the Dancing on Ice winner replied: "I'm going to be honest. I've never heard either of these names before." Here's a tip: honesty is not always the best policy Suzanne. In the future, please just pick one at random. There's also a rumour going round that she's going to create her own "Suzanne" Barbie doll. How will we tell them apart?
Yes, it was a triumph of age over beauty this weekend as former Hear'Say star's blades of glory beat 20 year old Chris Fountain's efforts in the Dancing on Ice final. Both couples had a crack at Torvill and Dean's signature dish, Ravel's Bolero. Suzanne told Phillip Schofield she had "loved every single second" of the competition, and confessed she'd never expected to make this far. "I just wanted to get half way through the series and I would have been proud of myself for that," she said. Considering she'd been injured at pretty much every stage, it wasn't really false modesty, either. Here's the winner being announced. Oh, can you bear it?!
Hit 'Continue' to see the great T&D performing the Bolero themselves...
Silver-tongued Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner doesn't think Chris Fountain should be in the final.
Hollyoaks star Chris already had a fair bit of skating experience when he agreed to do the show - he'd been playing ice hockey for years. Jason told The Sun: "Chris has an unfair advantage because he was already able to skate. He had to work on his dancing but Zaraah and Suzanne had to overcome their fear of the ice." Jason then added, hopefully after an ominous pause, "He didn't have the fear."
Ms Willoughby, you know - the one with the revealing dresses off of Dancing on Ice, is being courted by the States. But does she have what it takes? Be honest now.
You know what I think when I watch Leona? I think you just know she's going to age well. She's got one of those faces that will see her through. Bitch. Not bad though, is she?
