Reality TV news: Jodie's French, Hurley's farm, Kerry's pay-out, baby borrowing

One hopes this airbrushorific shot of Jodie as Marie Antoinette is just the first of many ways she intends to emulate the decapitated revolutionary French Queen.

Liz Hurley's tipped to make a reality show about her life on the farm she runs in Gloucestershire.

Kerry Katona's won a big pay-out from the Sunday Mirror who reported, bafflingly, that she had been a prostitute.

Calum Best's new celibacy-themed reality show is called The Best Is Yet To Come...

...while in a new US reality show - The Baby Borrowers, people actually LEND THEIR KIDS TO TEENAGERS.

Sarah Jessica Parker art show for Bravo?

SJP, according to some reports, will be bringing an art-themed reality show to US telly. 'American Artist' has been described as an art version of 'Project Runway' - you wonder why no one's done this before - with artists producing various works to be judged by a panel of experts. Presumably it's then decided, finally and forever, which is the 'best' piece of art. Quite where old Carrie Bradshaw fits into all this we're not sure. Maybe she's a life model.

SJP fans should check out this article about all the millions of other things she's doing these days; we do love her here at Panto, but at the end of the day we're just interested in the reality telly.

New US reality show will make you Hurl!

Stephen King predicted horrific reality shows like The Running Man for a 21st century dystopia. But the future turned out to be even scarier than he foresaw. It's 2008 and what have we got? We've got a new show which involves people stuffing themselves then trying not to be sick in the hope of winning some money. The biggest eaters are rolled around in metal rings until they throw up. I swear I am not making this up. What's it all for? £500, and the glamour, presumably. If you've been running low on puke puns lately, stock up over on the Hurl website, and there's a trailer over the page...

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Alex Wotherspoon to present new business show

Apprentice hopeful Alex Wotherspoon is probably going to be presenting a new business show. Alex is said to be in talks to make the programme for the BBC or Living later in the year.

The Sun, who always seem to know more than they've been told, say the concept will be similar to Ruth Badger's Sky One series, Badger Or Bust where the Apprentice runner-up tried to turn mediocre salesman into "winners". Presumably Alex's version will see him messing up the hair of aspirant businessmen-models and teaching them how to frown indignantly whenever anyone with a posh voice is talking.

Jordan & Peter - chat show axed

"Too trashy EVEN for digital telly" - The Sun's words, my capitals. The couple hosted Katie And Peter: Unleashed last autumn on ITV2 and had a two-year contract with the channel.

But when even the guests started dissing the show, bosses pulled the plug. Pussycat Dolls singer Nicole Scherzinger said it was the most ridiculous show she'd been on, and Corrie star Jack P Shepherd called it "a bit crude". A chat show not good enough for a Corrie star, ladies and gentleman.

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New shows for Jade Goody and Kerry Katona

Jade has been wandering the wilderness of television for 40 days and 40 nights thinking about what she did wrong, but you'll be thrilled to hear she has finally returned to us - with newfound wisdom and a resplendent beard. She's got her own show on Living TV, and it's called "Living with Jade Goody".

An insider supposedly said: "There is a definite thirst for Jade among TV audiences. This show will give her fans a hilarious insight into Jade's life. She's paid her dues as far as the BB thing is concerned so we're glad to have her back." Ah yes! "The BB thing". So euphemistic, it's almost beautiful.

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Osbournes to host new variety show

Why won't they ever get it? The only Osbourne we care about is Sharon! Ozzy? Keep him! Kelly? No thanks. Jack? WHO??! But here it is. The foursome will host the show (no title yet. Already had "The Osbournes") which will feature a mixture of music and comedy sketches, with the family doing acting, I guess. There's even a rumour it'll include a segment called "The Osbournes Meet the Osbournes", in which the hosts will spend time with another family named Osbourne. (Wait, did they nick that from Alan Partridge?)

It'll be a six-parter, and kick off this Christmas. Mike Darnell, Fox Network's President of Alternative Programming, says, "We've been talking about how to renew the variety show concept and make it feel new for years now." Hey, keep talking.

Simon Cowell takes out shares in Blind Date revival

If you're groaning at the thought of a Blind Date revival - well, first of all what are you doing reading this website? But secondly, hear this: Simon Cowell wants a stake in it - and he does have something of a midas touch where such things are concerned. The new Blind Date won't have Cilla Black at the helm, of course, because she's dead she quit, so it'll be interesting to see who gets picked for the top job. My money's on Alexa Chung. Or bloody Russell Brand. Obviously it should go to Graham Norton. Who would you like to see host the new series? And hey, remember the good old days? Me neither, which is why I've lined up an old Blind Date clip for us - over the page! (Seriously, watch it. The guy's like this cut-price Crispin Glover.)

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Madonna's brother plans reality show

Madonna has a brother? Does she know? Whoever he really is, someone called Christopher Ciccone is planning a reality show about being Madonna's sibling. The 47-year-old TV chef is approaching networks about a show that will detail his life as Madonna's sibling. A source said: "He hasn't gotten a deal yet, but he's been pitching it around."

The pair are no longer close. In the early '90s, however, Ciccone was artistic director for 1991 documentary In Bed With Madonna, and worked on the popstar's Blonde Ambition and The Girlie Show Tour. Ciccone's recently signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to publish a revealing memoir about his sister - without her approval. Poor Maddy. But at least we know her real surname now.

Strictly Come Dancing - Zara Phillips to star?

Not since It's a Royal Knockout (before my time, honey) have we seen such surreal and wonderful things. Zara Phillips and her rugby player boyfriend Mike Tindall are apparently in talks to star in this year's Strictly Come Dancing. It's kind of a nice idea, but you have to ask yourself why someone like Zara would possibly agree to go on a show like this. Someone like Willie Thorne might be able to put the 20 grand to good use, I don't know. Maybe he needs a new conservatory. But Zara? What's in it for her? Producers are keen though, supposedly. A 'source' said: "The BBC are going all-out to get Zara and Mike to sign up. "They could be real contenders." They could be. They could also be an alternative reality version of Wayne and Coleen, judging by that photo.

ITV to launch new airline-themed reality show

As with so much ITV reality telly these days, Celebair sounds like that weird dream you had when you flew to Tenerife and Noel Edmunds was the hostess and Brian Conley slid down the inflatable escape slide. The show - they assure me - is real, and will see 12 celebrities take on roles such as cabin crew, check-in staff and complaints handlers. Airline Monarch may be lending one of their planes to the channel for filming, and actual tourists will be taken to holiday destinations. There will even be a ticketing website and all that. Set for screening this autumn, Celebair is being sold as a celebrity version of ITV docusoap Airline. The star employee will receive a cash sum for a charity of their choice. Unfortunately celebs won't get to pilot the plane.

Philippe Starck to front new design reality show

Basically it's like The Apprentice, but more stylish. Designer Philippe Starck (he's the one that makes the juicers that look like War of The Worlds martian craft) will invite 25 potential designers to bid for one of 10 places on a design course in Paris. According to The Guardian, finalists will have the chance to test their mad skills on real design projects, with Starck gradually "whittling down the class". Hopefully literally.

At least one student will be rewarded with a six-month placement at Starck's design agency in Paris. The BBC said show would be open to "anyone who feels they have a talent for design, regardless of whether or not they have formal training", which is surely just asking for trouble...

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