Big Brother: Wayne Rooney's family miss out

Well, it's one bit of good news about this summer's Big Brother - Wayne Rooney's family won't be in it.

Wayne's cousin gay cross-dresser Stephen, and Natalie, who flashed at Coleen's 21st birthday, failed to get on to the new series, which kicks off on June 5. Coleen's already banned them from attending her wedding next month.

A Big Brother source told The Sun: "Stephen and Natalie were brilliant at the auditions and they did go quite far in the process. But a decision was taken that we didn't want to have the series hijacked by them."

Coleen calls herself a journalist

Coleen has described herself as a journalist on the wedding banns posted at Crewe Registry Office. The claim is based on the fact that she writes a column in Closer magazine. Obviously the real journos don't like it, but personally I've heard the same claim made much more tenuously. Usually from bright people who made an unwise degree choice and now write advertorials for lifestyle magazines. How many doorsteps has she been on? asks Roy Greenslade of the Guardian, in much the same tone I used to imagine myself asking fellow magazine copy writers "How many war zones have you been in?"

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Reality news round-up: Kerry's fine, US ladettes and Chanelle and Chantelle - together at last

We were worried, for a moment, about Kerry's pre-eclampsia pregnancy scare. Turns out she was just a bit low on iron. Still, she's been dropped by Mr and Mrs so it's not all bad.

Donald Trump and MTV are combining to do a US version of Ladette to Lady. The headline here is "Lady and the Trump". There isn't an official title for the show yet, but I think they'll struggle to top that, personally.

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Be a Real Woman with Coleen

Yes, you too can be the face of a thing, or at least get to flash your bits on telly, because Coleen's Real Women has got another series in the bag. The search for the realest women in the UK continues apace.

"I'm thrilled." says Coleen. "I loved making the first series and have been made up about all the successes enjoyed so far by the girls taking part - with hopefully more to come. It's great that the viewers are enjoying it too." My god, you can actually hear her accent, can't you?

"Hopefully the new series will be just as successful in giving opportunities to Real Women." Yeah. "Real" women. I heard a rumour that this time she's going to push the boundaries of fashion fascism by finding an OAP to model babygrows.

If you or someone you know wants to be on telly, download the application form at the bottom of this page.

Shit Lookalikes: Sarah Greene and Holly from Coleen's Real Women

Oh don't pretend you weren't thinking it the whole time she was on. Pretty, busty, eyes a bit too close together, blah blah LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE SARAH GREENE. Missed that one off didn't they? Why? It's her best feature. Holly won the Ultima bras contract on Coleen's Real Women, and now gets paid to flash her norks to the British army. I bet her mother's proud.

So... who's watching "Coleen's Real Women"?

I assume this show is meant to have some sort of anti-body fascist agenda, and not make me want to ram the remote control through my eye socket. I mean it's just a guess. The paramedics couldn't give me any answers, maybe you can.

See, I was interested in this one, but it turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. The first task was to find the "new legs of Pretty Polly" - a job which kind of by definition - requires someone with long, shapely pins. But Coleen can't decide if she's railing against this "convention" or accepting it. Call me Hitler, but I'd have thought that tights modelling would be one area where an ectomorphic body type is appropriate.

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