Big Brother - how to be in the audience

A lot of people ask me, "Panto," they say, because it's actually my name. "Panto, I have travelled for months to find you and I am weary and weak. Tell me: how can I be in the audience on a Big Brother show?" And my answer is always the same. "When the time is right child, look into your heart and you will know." This sometimes irks people, admittedly but if Yoda and Dungeonmaster can get away with being maddeningly cryptic, I reckon why can't I? Like them, I am an elderly fictional sage in a fantasy story. Honestly, it's one rule for them and another for everyone else.

Anyway, to get on Big Brother's Big Mouth fill in this application form then email it to bigmouthaudience@endemoluk.com.

For Big Bro's Little Bro you need to fill in the form here and email it to mailto:bblbaudience@endemoluk.com.

And to be in the outdoor audience at eviction time, (plus loads of other cool shows) have a look-see here. [Wait, wait! Dungeonmaster! Don't go! ....What do you suppose he meant?]

New Big Brother Little Brother presenters: George Lamb and Zezi

also known as... er, WHO? God. Seriously. We're still mourning Dermot's departure, and this is what they dish up to us instead? This... this pair of grinning hipsters with improbable hair and comedy names? I mean, honestly. It's like they've just given up. George and Zezi are already part of the C4/E4 family, as if that makes it better, with both presenting on E4 Music and something called Freshly Squeezed. George said: "Imagine how excited someone would be if they were presenting Big Brother, well I'm just a little bit less excited than that but I'm still extremely excited." My eyes, they are rolling.

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Panto Poll: Big Brother's Little Brother - who should host?

Still not so keen on the female presenters, are they? Despite rumours of Alexa Chung or another up-and-coming woman doing the honours, the shortlist for the new BBLB presenter is all-male. Let me help you out here. Alex Zane is the one with the curly hair from MTV-type shows, T4 and the Law of the Playground. Dave Berry, Rick Edwards and George Lamb are all T4 presenters too. If you don't watch T4, just tick the one whose name you like best. No vote, no voice, people.

Reality news round-up: Big Brother's Little Sister, Lloyd Webber's secret hit, and Dancing on Ice scandals

Lloyd Webber had once had a chart hit that took him almost up to the top spot in the charts, but no one knows what it is...

Konnie Huq's name is still being bandied about for Big Brother's Little Brother, along with Alexa Chung and Miquita Oliver. Big Brother's Big Mouth will be back, too, with different guest presenters each week. Sorry Corden/Horne fans :(

and in the world of Dancing on Ice follow-up stories, Gareth Gates has been living it up with Emma Bunton's sister, even though he's engaged to someone else (not Emma Bunton) - incriminating photos right here.

...while Suzanne Shaw was £200,000 in debt and had to get her mum to send emergency food packages after Darren Day left her holding the baby. It's easy to judge but if we're honest, how many of us haven't been in that exact same position at some point in our lives? With Darren Day.

Panto Poll: Do you hate Endemol?

They haven't had the best press, let's face it, but how do you feel about the Big Brother/One and Only/Supersize vs Superskinny/Deal or No Deal production company? They've got a new guy at the helm, Tim Hincks, but does he convince you? Here's what he told The Guardian this week:

"We've finally stopped talking the talk and we're starting to walk the walk. Quietly, below the radar, we're doing a project that is as big and important to us as Big Brother. I've called it, slightly pretentiously, user-generated reality. You have to be careful how much hype you put around it but I think it's about to go through a period of really rapid change. You can feel it and smell it."

I'm a bit worried that you can smell it. According to the same article, Endemol is also making an online, interactive reality show for Bebo. Pretty sure I can smell that one already.

Big Brother's Little Brother - the next presenter?

We're still not over Dermot, but it's like when your rabbit dies, isn't it*. You don't want to get another rabbit straight away. Get a hamster or something. Caroline Flack, I think, is a hamster to Dermot's rabbit. If you know what I mean. I mean his penis. No! I don't. The 27 year old Pepsi Chart Show presenter has been in "hush-hush talks" (not that hush-hush) to take over the hosting of Big Brother's Little Brother. A source told The Star: "Caroline is sexy and sassy. She has got all the quirky qualities you need to not only deal with the housemates but also their freaky friends and family."

That's what I like about Big Brother, its sensitive treatment of those from all walks of life. Big Brother 9, which will be hosted once again by Davina, will be back in May for another regrettably long summer season.

* Don't worry - Dermot lives on in The X Factor, though, unlike your rabbit. Unless I missed that episode.