Statistically, it was only a matter of time before one of the housemates in one of the world's Big Brother houses murdered someone under the bedclothes. Or burst into the bedroom wearing a giant Iron Man costume they'd been working on in the shower, guns blazing. Or, in this case, went a bit mad. Not since Michael Barrymore's Detective Monk-style obsessive bed-straightening have we seen such fascinatingly weird behaviour on Big Brother. Still, let's keep this in perspective. He's eaten a whole tube of toothpaste and verbally lashed out at fellow housemates. Hardly One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest stuff is it? But what do you think? Really mental? Or just MAD keen to be voted out soon?
I have an exciting new bullying row for you. Rachel broke down in tears last night after housemates, led by Rex, laid into her. She was ready to quit as she sobbed in the Diary Room, and The Star reports that 'legions of viewers' think it's time producers stepped in. Rachel's been branded a "fake" a "liar" and perhaps most mysteriously, a "sell-out". Rachel is many things. Not all of them good. But a sell out? I'm sure all that will come - but for now, she's still in the house. She's barely even sold in.
Yes, according to tabloid reports, a 'heart-to-heart that was not shown on TV' took place, where Luke told Bex his girlfriend of six months had never let him kiss her. Fair play to her, in a way. We're not sure we'd let him kiss us, either.
Bex decided Gina had treated Luke badly, and the two housemates are now so close that Big Brother is keeping condoms on standby in case the pair, um, need them.
Ahhh, another beautiful synthesis story of two popular reality shows. Apprentice 'rottweiler' Claire claims to have got through several rounds of Big Brother auditions before walking off.
"I watched one series and my friends said let's try for it, but I was the only one who got through. I went through two rounds of interviews and then pulled out. I just thought: 'I haven't met one person in this audition that I'd want to have a cup of tea with'."
Yes, because Big Brother is all about everyone getting along famously, isn't it? Well, maybe not that famously...
Everyone loves Kat, riiii? Wro. She may be the bookies' fave, but she wasn't popular with Big Brother when she broke house rules yesterday. Kat and Mo nicked some bananas during the Hanging Around task and Big Brother ordered them to pack their bags. The softies changed their mind after Kat turned on the waterworks, and they lived to see another day.
The Channel 4 site's message boards are less sympathetic, however, with fans demanding - possibly rightly - that they both get kicked out.
One post read: "Mo and Kat, bye, bye. Kick both out. Simple, don't do the crime if you can't do the time." Another comment, presumably from a high court judge, rules that they are "gilty on both counts". What do you reckon? Is BB being soft on them cos they're popular?
Well, it had to happen sooner or later. A nasty bug has swept through the house, with five housemates falling ill with either dizziness or diarrhea. Luke's been bed-ridden all week with it (he claims) and now housemates Stu, Bex, Sara and Belinda aren't looking - ahem - too clever, either. Epidemic, or just mass hysteria? I know what Doctor House would say.
Stu's had some serious runs. Bex seemed to collapse on the way to the Diary Room because she was feeling so weak. Sara's complaint about being "delirious" is kind of backed up by the very fact she said that, while Belinda worried she'd "pass out".
Doctors were on stand-by and producers were even preparing to rush housemates for treatment.
The bug descended after the group went without food and sleep to cycle 520 miles between them on two bikes.
So. It's between these two monkeys is it. Is Rex sexy, girls? Doesn't he look a bit like a less pigmented version of Nasty Nick? On the other hand, Belinda wants to stay in the house so bad you've got to wonder what she's on the run from. It's like the island from Lost in there, really it is.
Rex and Belinda: who should go? YOU DECIDE.
(Please say Rex)
Viewing figures are falling, housemates are desperate, producers are desperater. Things aren't looking good for Big Brother. Ratings have dropped from 10million in 2003 to a mere 2.6million this week. Australian Big Bro has been, um, evicted, despite the surprise introduction of Pamela Anderson to the latest series. So if they do get rid of the UK version, will you mourn its passing? Or dance like Baryshnikov all over its fresh grave?
Turns out the girlfriend of flirty jug-ears Luke really does exist, in real life, and not just 'on the street in your head' as Marge Simpson would say. She kind of looks a bit like him, in a wig, and she's dumped him - on his 21st birthday. Gina Bannister, 17, ended it after seeing her boy canoodle with Bex on Big Brother... a double surprise, as she didn't even know he was going on the show...
Well, I don't know what to think! Am I disappointed? Or just... incredibly surprised? I'm a big Luke fan, as you know, but the idea of him having any kind of secret - and if I'm honest, any kind of girlfriend - is just a bit much to take. Luke told Bex, Sara and Stuart that he'd been seeing a girl for two months before going into the house. His parents had met her, but she didn't know he was coming on the show. The deceit!
Luke said: "It's not as if I was dating her for two years - we'd been to Pizza Hut a few times!"
"That's enough for the papers, going to Pizza Hut," said Mikey, helpfully.
"I don't think I'm gonna get hammered in the press for that," said Luke. "If anything they'll hate you, Rebecca, not me." Alright, steady on love rat.
There's been a distinct lack of smooching on this series so far, (having your face spat on from a distance doesn't count) so imagine our delight when Katreya and Sara had a bit of a snog in the hot tub. And just in case the memories of Mario and Lisa's gross get-together last month is starting fade, here it is again: