1. First of all... what the hell's happened to Louis's hair? Has he had some sort of accident?

Yes folks, I've got the screen-grab out to do an illustrated round-up. I know, welcome to the future! So for those who missed Saturday's show, or suffer with epilepsy and can't watch it for medical reasons, get over the turn and let me paint you a picture with words... and pictures.

2. I can't summarise Niki's performance, I'm afraid, because I was so distracted by the idea that a stray spark from that inexplicable little on-stage bonfire might make contact with her plether boots...

3. Same Difference are brilliant as ever! I love the mad eyes! So what if they're a bit "Ross and Monica doing the routine", they're unique! SD to win! SD for President!

4. Hey Andy - have you been working out? Didn't do you much good, did it? A t-shirt with "ROCK" written on it does not a rock star make. Turns out it doesn't even help if you tuck it into your jeans.

5. Tragic orphan schoolteacher Beverley is very nice and all, but isn't she sort of doing an impression of someone she thinks is being sexy? In this case, er, James Blunt. Very nice dress this time though.

6. Hope, or as I think of them, Raquelle and the chipmunks, had a reasonable go at impersonating Amy Winehouse. Oh hey, it's David Walliams in the audience! And now Dermot is sitting in his lap and now David's saying "I found Same Difference very moving"...

7. Can you believe Leon's still in the competition? Apparently he's had a throat condition. Luckily this is the least of his problems. Still, he's a brave guy. And a great ambassador for people living with Parkinsons.

8. Alisha was great.

9. Rhydian: beautiful singing but seriously folks: where are the rest of his legs? It's like that scene with the dry ice in Spinal Tap. Standing ovation from the judges! Even Sharon loves him now. She's obviously on drugs, though.

10. Shayne Ward's back. Apparently the gay choreographer guy really is someone else after all.

Oh and just an aside, is it just me or does the stage backdrop look like the Donnie Darko rabbit?

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