Liveblogging time again where I wonder if anyone is actually reading this whilst watching the television. Tonight, we see Tracey (aka Blanka from Street Fighter II) going up against a bunch of no-marks who we're all not overly keen on. That's probably because they've been in our lives for a grand total of 14 seconds or summat.

Favourite for the chop is David. Is it because he looks like Steve Strange from Visage? Is it because he's an odious oik? Who cares? We all hate Amy, and it seems BB have moved the goalposts to keep yet another annoying princess in. Damn them. It's a double eviction... so let's see fried egg exposer Shanessa banished back to whatever rubbish job she had prior to the house. Anyway, on with the show!

19.48 - Good lord. The housemates are looking rough, with one, possibly Liam, currently hooked on Methadone. It's wretched viewing. Heroin is a destructive and heart-breaking drug and whoever introduced it to the house should be ashamed. Oh. Hang on. This is the news. I'm too early.

20.26 I'm well watching the P.S. moment on Holloaks on E4+1. Have I missed any BB action?

20.27 No. No I haven't. God... the adverts are loud today.

20.30 Here we go. Double eviction time. Who goes? I'm not deciding as I don't vote... but you might. Does all the money go to charity now Channel 4 aren't keeping the money from phone-in votes? Anyway, here's the diet-trance music, the crowd are clapping along and... isn't it staying lighter later now?

20.31 Davina looks like she's dressed in a binbag. The mention of the word "Amy" provokes a huge booing noise from the crowd. In fact, the crowd seem to be randomly shouting at virtually anything. David. Boos. Shanessa. Boo. Kara-Louise. A telling quiet. Tracey... cheers? Yep. Those are definitely cheers.

20.32 I've taken my eye off the telly for two seconds... and now, for some reason, Jonty is talking in a high pitched voice. Am I going mad? Nope. It's actually happening.

20.33 David says "I'm a fanny." He is a fanny. Or at least a word that means fanny. Bizarrely, Tracey is chatty, full of common sense and surely staying in the BB house.

20.35 Jonty has a penchant for wearing t-shirts that feature, singularly, each flag of the United Kingdom. Have you noticed? I have. Look. I just mentioned it. God. You're wondering why you ever bothered reading this aren't you? Look, I'll tell you a joke to draw you back in. What's E.T. short for? Coz he's got little legs.

20.37 Amy and Liam talk about kissing. Neither story is particularly interesting.

20.38 It may be worth pointing out that I'm watching the highlights from yesterday.

20.39 "Get it down yer David" says BB as they ask Housemates to eat a load of disgusting food. The housemates watch on the screen and whoop and laugh. David heaves. David then throws up. It's great telly it really is. No, really, it's ace. It isn't ace.

20.41 We're back outside. Davina is referring to David as "amazing". The horrendous heaving that I've just seen, although not great viewing, showed David to be a game lad. In response to BBs quip, David piped up "Get it up you Big Brother". He then polished off luncheon meat tartar made with jam and cheered and whooped at the £100 he won for a shopping budget he's unlikely to see. Good lad. Keep him in.

20.44 Surely, everyone who is texting votes is hammering the keypad to get Shanessa out. Her desperation to be liked makes me dry heave. Vote out Kara-Louise too. She's duller than listening to the heating in an old people's home.

20.46 Davina is talking about the puzzling rules surrounding tonights vote. I'm admiring my shorts.

20.48 GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT!

(sorry, force of habit)

20.49 Back to the highlights. The minging food theme continues and the housemates continue to snigger at the unfortunate events unfolding. Kara is eating a kebab with fondant and prawn cocktail bedding. Never mind all that. Jonty has his top off.

20.50 Mayonnaise. A glass of. Shanessa won't drink it. She's obviously a massive dick. They should have made her eat fried eggs (capiche?)

20.53 The twins have seemingly taken a real shine to Jonty. They've been leaping all over him for the past couple of days. Now, in the pool, they playfully ask him to drown himself. Hang on. This is The Shining only under water.

20.56 David has been talking in the diary room for ages. Back to Davina with a mixture of cheers and boos. Are people getting confused now? Keep the bugger in! He's alright really!

20.57 Davina has just said "more action packed action after the break". What a stupid thing to say.

20.58 Do you know I've had nothing to eat this evening. Who is to blame? AvailableForPanto that's who! DAMN YOU! GET PANTO OUT! GET PANTO OUT!

20.59 These one man protests to evict websites out of houses that don't exist are futile and, quite frankly, absurd.

21.00 Channel 4 have an advert with loads of films on. All I can see is John Cleese's teeth. They're whiter than white heat.

21.01 "Expect nudity and strong language." Oh dear God. Please. Not Shanessa and her eggs again...

21.04 Shanessa is whooping. Maybe she's just seen the moon and got all confused. Kara-Louise is asking Amy about her voting of the halfwit housemates. She's just got a bread-knife out and jammed it in Amy's eye. She's now twanging it in her skull and pushing it in and out to change the notes. She's playing the theme from Eastenders. I'm fibbing. She's just having a gentle word.

21.06 Shanessa is doing her best to kick off. WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME WE SHOULD BE STICKING TOGETHER. Why you? You're a cretin that's why.

21.08 Shanessa tells all that she's been crying all day. Amy is now laying on some crocodile tears. David is essentially telling Amy to wise up. Back to the main action, Shanessa is trying to kick up a stink summore. She really is an idiot. She's ignoring Amy. She's acting like a child. She's getting voted out. It's a dead cert.

21.11 Shanessa is shamelessly flirting with Ziggy. Ziggy brings up the mayonnaise task. Ziggy chickens out from telling her off. Big jessie.

21.14 (sings) "three in one protection for your family..."

21.15 Oh. The words have changed. Disappointing.

21.16 Michael Clayton is in the crowd. I know this because he's holding a sign up in the BB crowd that simply says "Michael Clayton".

21.17 Again, to the highlights. Brian is flirting with Kara-Louise. She tells him that the last film she watched was La Vie en Rose. Brian looks confused but happy. I think he likes her.

21.19 Amy is telling Shanessa that she's been crying loads. Shanessa isn't arsed. Although, she was before. She. Is. A. Moron. Mind you, so is Amy.

21.20 Shanessa claims that, with regards to Ziggy, she feels "a bit drawn to him". If he found that out, he'd probably stick his face in the food blender. Who could blame him? Kara encourages Shanessa and tells her "Maybe he's got a stripper fantasy" to which Shanessa flatly states "I don't know about that but I'd love to have him inside me"

21.22 I'm still wiping my own sick up

21.23 Once again, the girls are trying to get Brian naked. They succeed. They chuck his shorts across the garden. They presumably saw his clearly gigantic penis. Why do I say that? Well, it's because I quite clearly saw his gigantic penis.

21.24 "Big Brother house... this is Davina" (yes yes yes, get on with it)... voted out are...

...Shanessa and David.

21.26 British public. You've made a huge mistake. You've kept Kara-Louise in. At least you got the horrific Shanessa out. She's dressed in a pink dress that is obviously forty sizes too small for her.

21.27 Right, I'm off for some grub now. See you back here for part 2!

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