Hiya. Did you miss me? Have you been watching Jimmy Carr? Hang your head in shame. He's an idiot. Anyone who says otherwise is quite clearly a moron of Charley standards. I'm right. I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm louder in the argument.
Enough of all that. Let's look at Nicky getting booed by housewives, IT types and tubby teenage girls. Davina is about to show us all why the BBC fired her from her chat show, and Nicky is about to show us that, wearing white wedding cake can make you look fat when you're clearly not...
10.00pm Davina has made a gag about how dull Nicky is. The nation has now realised that the next 30 minutes or so will be dull. Ace. Oh. And get Charley out probably.
10.02pm Charley has managed to kick up a row... just before Nicky leaves. That's lovely of her. Only Gerry has managed to spot this. Charley apparently called the audience idiots. Although that's fair, it's not really cricket.
10.03pm GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! (Oh, and Nicky is bidding farewell to the house and programme that has made her universally loathed. Loathed may be too strong a word, but I can't be bothered to think of whatever is the next one down the rung of loathing).
10.05pm Nicky leaves the house. The crowd go "WUUUUUURGH!" That must be a mixture of wow, boo and hurray. It slowly turns into a clearer 'Boooo'.
10.06pm Between them, Nicky and Davina have very impressive calf muscles. It's time for a break.
10.10pm I've just been talked down from a ledge after seeing Howard on the Halifax adverts. Narrowly avoiding death, I gallantly continue to liveblog instead of weeping to my mother and loved ones.
10.11pm Here's Nicky. She's really evicted... she's been told it's not fake.
10.12pm This is nice of Davina. What's the first thing she talks to Nicky about is...
...Charley. You're a lovely lovely woman Davina. You really are.
10.13pm Nicky finds out who voted for her and why. She barely flinches when she sees the naked nominations. I think that someone could call her a c*nt and she wouldn't bat an eyelid. Has someone frozen her face?
10.15pm Nicky admits that she is miserable. There. She said it. She's surprised that Carole voted for her. That's Carole who she's argued with since time began. Now... more interesting, she's been told that she muttered "Marry me..." about Liam. She doesn't believe she's said it. Quite why she questions it is beyond me. 3000 cameras caught her saying it. Now a montage of her fawning over Liam.
10.17pm "No-one knows how intense it is in that house..." Ever get the feeling that people say that on eviction because they've heard other people say it?
10.18pm Now, a montage of her sneakiness. She looks appalled at herself. Then pleased. Then appalled. Then happy again. She ashamed really. I can tell.
10.20pm Asked what her best moment was, she tells a very dull story about getting her heel stuck somewhere. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep mid typi...
10.21pm Nicky thinks Brian is ace and doesn't like everyone else so far...
10.22pm She implies that Gerry is a bit pervy. She thinks everyone else is annoying. Has she learned anything about herself? "Yeah. I'm miserable." Here's her best bits.
10.23pm Nicky's best bits is a minute long shot of a bit of paper blowing about in the wind.
10.25pm The four impressive calves remain on stage, and Davina implies that there may well be a surprise eviction at some point this week. The crowd even 'woo'.
10.26pm Back to the house, Tracey and Charley sit apart from the group, realising that they're fucked. They've sided with morons and now, they'll both be up for eviction next week. All together now, GET CHA... oh sod it. LYNCH HER! LYNCH HER!
10.27pm I'm off. See you in a bit. Keep tuning in back here to keep up-to-speed with all things Big Brother. Daily moron kickings ahoy!
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