Live blog time and the crowd are already shouting "Get Charley out!" Predictable sods. Anyway, Davina wants to know whether we vote out the moaning Nicky with her face like a bulldog licking piss from a thistle... or 'Greek tragedy' Gerry.

It's all go man. Let's get over the jump to see how it all pans out. Hopefully, my typing won't resemble something akin to Carole trying to do her huge bra up whilst wearing boxing gloves...

8.28pm Having not done one of these before, I wonder if I'm supposed to blog the highlights. If so, watching the housemates watch video of themselves on a big screen... answering questions posed by themselves... well... it's all very weird. Like looking at your reflection in a reflection of a reflection of...

8.37pm Apparently, at 3.17pm (in whatever day the highlights are from) there was a bit of tissue on the lawn. I'll never get that minute back you bastards.

8.39pm Time for a break. I get to reflect on the fact that Ziggy asked himself, via video, "Did she enjoy it as much as you". What a twat. Still, as a fellow viewer rightly pointed out, it's nice to see him squirm for once... and without the overly sincere voice too! Result. I'm nipping outside for a fag now... so I might miss something on return. Deal with it.

8.43pm Aren't those Virgin adverts annoying? I probably shouldn't say that as one of their affiliates sponsor this very site. Still, you know I'm right. Anyway, Davina is going through the "phone this number" bit, and called Gerry "Terry". Idiot.

8.44pm More highlights and we see some clouds go by before going into the house for some action. Quite why each scene is linked up with a shot of some clouds... or the aforementioned tissue is beyond me. Anyways, the twins are moaning because someone stole their hair products for a laugh. It isn't a very funny joke to play is it? I would have drawn on their faces with some sauce or something. In fact, ketchup and mayo would have done... what with it being pink and all that.

8.46pm Nicky thinks she may well get booed. She will. They're already booing her. In fact, I can hear people booing who have never even watched Big Brother such is the collective loathing. God bless BB. Unites the most fractured states of mind.

8.48pm The strangest stand-off ever. Gerry holds Amanda's hair extensions to ransom after Freddy the Monkeys abduction. It's like Terry Waits all over again eh? (Note, Terry Waits never got his hair extensions back)

8.50pm Gerry elbowed the twin in the face. Brilliant. Now, Tracey, face like a slapped arse, calls Gerry "spiteful". Gerry is obviously not a spiteful bloke. Tracey is obviously a spiteful bloke.

8.51pm Everyone starts talking at once. Instead of listening to specific words I start to daydream. I'm thinking that I had a nice pizza for my tea. I'm also wondering how much booing Tracey will get when she leaves. Oh! Gerry said "little brain" to Tracey. Brilliant. Tracey doesn't have a brain. She has some old Es in there. If you shake her she rattles like a match box.

8.55pm Sorry folks. I was daydreaming again. I think Brian has just blown his own face up. It doesn't surprise me of course. Brian, lovable as he is, is an incredible example of village idiocy. If he wins, I hope he doesn't end up sticking the money up his arse or something.

8.57pm Ziggy like electro "shit". He's well dope.

8.59pm Liam asks one of the twins about the argument that saw Charley battering Brian. The twin says "I dunno... I didn't see it". Neither did I. That's me and one of the twins... the only two people in the world who didn't see this row. At least I have an excuse.

9pm For the first time tonight, I've looked up at the TV when Davina is on. For some reason, known only to mindless TV presenters who work for Big Brother on a Friday night, she's dressed up like Sandy from Grease. Either that, or a haggard Bonnie Tyler. Either way, pretty it ain't. She'll be talking to Nicky soon I dare say.

9.02pm I hate the advert for Cheerios. Why does it feature the sound of a banjo? A banjo with breakbeats no less. Sod this, I'm off smoking again.

9.06pm Back to yesterday and all the kerrrrrrrazy action. Carole is being given the chance to take off her boxing gloves if she can thread some cotton through the eye of a needle. She's wheezing with laughter and has seemingly threaded her bottom lip. Nicky, talking without love of humour, is dryer than a barren wasteland. She's very proud of herself though. Really proud. Oh, and Carole has managed to finish her task. This is bloody thrilling TV I can tell you.

9.10pm Flan-nelle has said something very wise. Basically, she wanted to be a WAG. After meeting Charley, she doesn't want it anymore. Well done you. Also, Charleyisspeakingandhasn'toncestoppedforbreath. She has also revealed that she likes three sugars in her tea. Seriously. I hope all her teeth fall out. In fact, that would make great TV. Can that be a task?

9.14pm I've just remembered that my clock is fast on my mobile. Take a couple of minutes off each thing I type would you?

9.15pm I've just discovered that the previous thing I said was a complete lie.

9.16pm An advert for 8 Out Of 10 Cats makes me remember why I hate the world so much. Jimmy Carr? Tinned Peaches Geldof? AAAARGH!

9.17pm GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT! GET CHARLEY OUT!
(that's the crowd there)

9.18pm Liam and the twins play the Yes and No game with Brian. That's cruel. Charley has written a fucking book. In her own words "I'm a good writer... I've got really good hand-writing..." That's where I've been going wrong. Plot line, depth of character, a good twist... means nowt if your hand-writing is arse.

9.20pm Lines are closed. Time to watch Nicky say her good-byes.

9.22pm Charley is talking. I'm not telling you what she's saying. You don't need to know. It's predictably a crock of foxes shit.

9.24pm "Big Brother house, this is Davina..." (cue boos for Nicky) say good-bye to.... Nicky.

Gasp.

9.25pm Gerry is in tears. Nicky cracks her face with a smile. The only people in the world who are shocked are the housemates. Charley is talking again. I'm off smoking again. See you in a bit for the interview, the boos, the placards, the real good-byes. Nicky's outfit is an absolute treat. Think wedding cake. See you in a bit folks.

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