When you hear the phrase 'lowlife', you think of people like Billi. Sneaky and slimy and oggling over the ladies whilst undermining their... whatever. However, I want a return to the original use of the phrase. Lowlife, like a low form of life, like an amoeba or something that has just crawled out of the primordial soup, is something so uncultured and base that it's actually incredible to watch them in action.

Of course, I'm talking about the amazing Brian. That's Brian who pissed his own pants on telly. That's Brian who seems to struggle with the notion of communicating with anything that resembles a coherent sound. That's Brian who reminds me of Stig of the Dump - all primal and... a low life.

Now, you might think I'm having a go at Brian. I'm not. How could I get angry at someone who is so wildly innocent... so unaware... so simple? Brian is all base instinct. He eats. He shout random stuttering garbage and gets confused when people mention Shakespeare. Not only that, Brian gets huge erections and doesn't think twice about showing it to the lady who gave him the erection in the first place. It's like someone has swapped his brain for that of a toddlers.

With this, should we allow Brian to win? Would it be a victory for the remedial? No. We can't let Brian win the big prize because he'll probably eat the fucking money. Brian is somewhere between Martin from The Simpsons and a great big dimwitted dog. He bounds around and barks when something moves outside. He's wonderfully uncouth.

That said, surely there are rules against putting people like Brian in? Is it wise to allowed him to be near sharp objects. It's a farce. When faced with a knife and fork, I imagine Brian is a danger to himself. In fact, I wouldn't trust him with a rubber spoon.

Again, I have to emphasise that I'm not having a go at Bri'. Brian is a wonderful snapshot of someone who just doesn't understand things. He's not cynical in anyway... because his brain is struggling to keep the piss in his bladder... cynicism is far too developed for the ageing workhorse in his mind. It isn't difficult to imagine Brian wondering around at night pointing at the moon and shouting at it.

Brian is an amazing specimen... but for God's sake... don't let him win. He'll only piss his pants or get another erection. [Mof Gimmers]

-->

Came straight to this page? Visit www.availableforpanto.com for all the latest news.