It's always pleasant to be able to take delight in a little witty repartee. Some eloquent badinage. A few well-chosen bon mots.

That is not what I will be doing here. This week's Quote of the Week contest - like those before it and, I would imagine, most after - is all about the thrillingly entertaining idiocy that permeates the Big Brother house like some poisonous cloud of rank stupidity.

An honourable mention firstly to Jonathan, if only because he may soon be gone. "I could have better conversations with a tin of beans," he remarked of his exchanges with Tracey, employing a sentence quite possibly longer and more loquacious than anything Tracey has ever uttered, ever. Ever.

A mention also to Chanelle. I wish there was a way of putting her dramatic diary room flounces into speech marks. Unfortunately her marvellous ability to toss her hair and slap her forehead does not technically qualify as speech.

The top 3:

3. Which of Charley's devastatingly articulate put-downs shall I choose this week? Let me just flick through my "Charley Insult-o-fax"... Ah, yes: "Don't call me no names, F*ckface!" Yes, that will do nicely. This she screamed at Billi during one of their numerous ring-a-dings earlier this week. Charley Uchea - a lady.

2. So to Amanda's diary room attempt at pronouncing the words "Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon". A little unfair, perhaps, since it was written in someone else's handwriting, and in chalk to boot. And she's only wittle, and so cute, and and and - bollocks. This is her attempt: "Chilly-conny-cannenet Salivog-non...?" Bless her. Bless her with a brain.

1. Upping the thickness quotient considerably, however, was Brian, the density of whose brain has been discussed at length this week. There is no way "Who's Shakespeare?" could not be no.1, as it manages with two words to cause visions of literally hundreds of panicked Daily Mail front pages to swirl around my mind's eye. Two words. Two words did that. Remarkable.

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