So we've had the new meat thrown in, like so many fish guts into shark-infested waters. Now it's time for one of the, um, sharks to be... caught... in a net... of telephone voting...? Gimme a break, I'm tired over here.

OK, here we go - the first live eviction of Big Brother 8...

10:00 - Booze. Sweet, sweet booze. You never let me down. Um, anyway - now we're going to see how the noobs got on in their first half-hour in the house.

10.02 - Ha ha, Ziggy's claiming that the men run the house now, to the chagrin of Chanelle and the twins...

10:04 - Eviction time. Heeere's Davina...And the 1st person to be evicted is... Shabnam. The world wobbles on its axis, but somehow continues to turn.

10:04 - Shabnam swears.

10:06 - Most drawn-out exit from the house EVARRR. GET OUT ALREADY!

10:07 - "Don't boo me!"

10:08 - "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

10:09 - This girl is mental, proper. She's crying "shamone" a la MJ, dancing and clapping her hands before a chorus of jeers... then she admits "I don't know what I'm doing!" Davina rescues her before she's lynched.

10:12 - Ads. Shrek The Third has pigs going head over heels! Splendid.

10:13 - Interview time with Davs and Shabs. Shabs liked the look of Liam.

10:14 - Shabs got 81.4% of the vote. Quite low, considering what a lunatic she is.

10:15 - "I think they meant it in a nice way," says Shabs of those who nominated her. I don't.

10:18 - Shabs is distancing herself from Charley now that she's out... Bit late for that, really. She thinks Ziggy and Chanelle r 4 real, but she's hardly the most insightful housemate so make of that what you won't.

10:22 - She wants to perform in Vegas?! As what??

10:24 - Shabs tips the twins to win. No, one of the new housemates. No, Carole.

10:26 - Aw, looking at her best bits I do feel some sympathy for Shabs. But mainly because she's kind of nuts and doesn't quite seem to realise it. I mean, she wants to be famous but has literally no talent, and she'll never be able to do a normal job. What will become of her I wonder, before thinking about more important things like whether I've paid my gas bill.

And the programme ends with a live glimpse of Brian chatting to Samanda and Chanelle. Chanelle hears he works for a credit card company and asks if he gets interest free cards. Is that a perk of that kind of job? I can't look at these people anymore. Which is convenient, because the credits just rolled.

Goodnight sweet readers. And please - don't have nightmares.

(Thanks to my buddy Clive for providing input when I was losing the will to live)

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