Ahh, launch night. So much promise, so much hope. So many soon-to-be-hated housemates. Wonderful.

My working day has been spent asking people if they will be tuning in tonight. As ever, this is met with the usual, "Oh I don't watch that rubbish!" replies. Strangely, come tomorrow, they'll know the names of all the housemates.

Big Brother will be different this year, supposedly, but there are some things that will never change. Certain things will always happen. So, for your entertainment, I've compiled this -- a spotters' guide to launch night.

Print it off, tick as you go. If you're watching Davina and team with company, I reckon it would make an extremely fun drinking game.

The Available for Panto Launch Night Checklist

[ ] "Lovely" Davina opening the show with an extreme close up. Cue low, serious voice, gradually rising to a "This is Big Brotherrrrr!" climax -- prompting roars from the crowd.

[ ] Davina reminding us that this year Big Brother really is getting tough.

[ ] Davina making a sly yet unsubtle reference to the bullying row, complete with "Whoopsie!" comedy expressions.

[ ] First housemate -- middle of the road, week 6-ish evictee. May have some controversial views, usually involving hatred of women/gay people/everyone.

[ ] Overly camp but ultimately lovable bloke. Loud shirt. Favourite to win from the off.

[ ] Awkard pairing of two contrasting characters giving early giggles for Davina who is...

[ ] ...watching the big screen, and telling everyone that she is addicted already.

[ ] Token loud female housemate, screaming about how crazy and mad she is in her audition video. Booed by the unforgiving -- but very funny -- crowd. Will become instant eviction favourite.

[ ] Mid-entries advert break with audience-retaining tidbits about the next housemates to enter the house. Last year, Davina let it slip that soon a former Miss Wales would be entering, thus retaining the male viewers for at least another fifteen minutes.

[ ] The 'old' housemate (i.e, over 28 or so) trying a visual joke that falls a bit flat. (The only person to manage this difficult trick was the heroic Pete with his brilliant 'facing the wrong way' gag. Genius)

[ ] Gorgeous, modelling contract-seeking female housemate. Booed by women. Cheered, loudly, by the men.

[ ] Someone posh.

[ ] Someone so mind numbingly stupid he/she immediately becomes liked.

[ ] A man with a body. May enter wearing very little or some sort of Hawaiian ensemble (even though it'll be bloody freezing).

[ ] A more masculine gay man, prompting talk of Big Brother's first possible gay pairing.

[ ] A 'different' housemate. We've had Nadia and Pete. What next? I'm predicting a housemate with multiple heads. Or worse.

[ ] Remaining housemates pile in. Brief footage of everyone meeting. Channel Four producers desperately searching for that first bitchy, or - even better - lustful stare.

[ ] Returns to Davina, who will reveal a 'surprise' of some sort. Bottom line - there will be an eviction on Friday. And some poor sod will probably have to make the nominations tonight.

Don't forget to catch all the action from 9pm tonight on Channel Four. And of course, keep up with proceedings right here on Available for Panto. We'll be live-blogging.

[Dave Lee]

-->

Came straight to this page? Visit www.availableforpanto.com for all the latest news.