So the countdown begins... your intrepid writer sits on his sofa glaring at the screen with a feverish sweat and caffeine running through his veins. Booze is on hand should it all get a bit too much. Yes, it's nearly time for the newest installment of Big Brother.

It's hard to believe that there have only been eight as the show seems to have been around forever. Once it was seen as an exciting social experiment on the housemates... now it feels like the experiment is on we the humble viewers. So what should we expect? Will they be a horrible bunch? Will we finally get some nice people? Who knows or cares... we're all here for the same ride...

Read over for the LIVE BLOG!

8.51pm - The nerves are setting in. I'm not entirely sure what I'm letting myself in for. I'm now questioning whether I enjoy the Big Brother experience. Is it an exercise in unleashing bile? Am I too ashamed to admit that I actually like it? Only time will tell... the next hour should be interesting to say the least.

8.56pm - Just remembered that I'm supposed to advertise our sister site dedicated to Big Brother called AvailableForPanto.

9pm - OH! LOOK! The apologies! Big Brother has been a very naughty pup and now it has to do a big public SORRY! For the racist output. Think of the poor children!

9.01pm - Jesus. I've just remembered the theme tune. This is going to haunt me all summer. That and the constant booing. Davina is seemingly stood on a disco dancefloor and dressed like Bonnie Tyler.

9.03pm - What's this? There were rumours that they were going to blow up the BB House?! Brilliant! Sadly, it's not true according to Davina. Davina is now showing us stuff with a camcorder. Quite why I've no idea. Are Channel 4 having cut backs?

9.05pm - The house looks a bit like something from Alice in Wonderland... all checks and that. There is a huge target on the floor. Maybe they'll be having a culling this year? Also worth noting that the table says 'eat' on it. Well, as patronising as the table sounds, I'm going to assume that the table isn't edible. £20 to the first housemate who tries eating the furniture.

9.08pm - Not even 10 minutes have passed and I'm tired of being shown around the house.

9.10pm - Okay. So the table says 'eat' and the hairdryer says 'dry'. Does the toilet say 'shit'?

9.14pm - Woo! The diary room! The place of drunken tears and a big chair. A big chair that looks like it's from 80s flick Tron.

9.18pm - I'm cautiously looking at my booze. Should I get drunk AND do a live blog at the same time? My head says no but the sound of pouring says yes.

9.20pm - Twins? Bubbly annoying girl twins that have voices that I already despise. "Everyone is talking dictionary language..." WHAT!? They're already getting booed! My faith in the British public is restored. They look like those horrific twins from Pat Sharp's Fun House. Sam and Amanda - BOOOOOOO!

9.23pm - These twins are destined for Nuts magazine. Nipple to nipple. It's going to be horrible. Straight into the bath they go... screaming and giggling... they remind me of two puppies being electrocuted. Everyone universally loathes them! Brilliant!

9.25pm - Lesley. A retired head-hunter. Apparently she's 'eccentric'. First up for the vote? She's posh. I'm definitely getting drunk. I can't stand this.

9.27pm - Lesley totters down the stair to be greeted by to shrieking morons brandishing lollipops who inform her that they're twins. With them being identical, I would have thought that Lesley has probably spotted that. Lesley, like me, has a face that says "I want to die".

9.28pm - A lapdancer called Charlie. She doesn't work... hangs around with slebs. She will definitely say "Go girl..." and things like that. She's said 'hot' loads. She thinks she's sassy... she aint. BOO HER BOO HER BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HER!

9.31pm - Much booing for Charlie.

9.32pm - Charlie's front drops like her arse.

9.33pm - Four more housemates after the break? I hope this booze hits me quickly. I'm drinking whisky with a dark rum mixer and my ice cubes are laced with crack. Should get more interesting from here...

9.25pm - I'm wondering two things. One. Is anyone actually reading this. Two. Does everyone get the same adverts in every region. The ones I'm getting are making me want to cry. It's all trance compilations and mobile phone adverts.

9.37pm - Who's this. Tracey. A hippie who likes to 'buzz like fuck'. What does this mean? A cleaner. Androgynous type. Tracey is a blokes name as well as a girls... and looking at the face... I can't tell... Oh! Hang on! There are titties. Definitely titties. Keeps saying 'proper 'aving it' and possibly goes to Glasto every year and annoys even hardened festival goers.

9.41pm - Okay. A strange girl who is channelling Bez (even though he's not dead). Mixed with a posh headhunter woman who is mates with Charles and Camilla. Two nightmarish twins and a girl who dates footballers. This is going to be horrendous. It's all smiles now... but the knives are already being drawn.

9.43pm - A blonde girl from Yorkshire who loves Victoria Beckham. She talks far too much and is called Chanelle. She is the new Kate Lawler. Start booing Britain. Boo for all you're worth. If she pouts anymore her lips may fall off and start a TV career on their own.

9.46pm - Are they having any men this year?

9.47pm - Shabnam. She reckons she's wacky. That means she's got a million hang-ups but covers it with lurid clothes and keeeerrrraaaazy eye shadow. She thinks that we're buying this 'I love myself' stuff... we all know she hates herself. Her screaming of "COME ON!" on the way in only shows that she's amazingly depressed... she's actually asking the crowd... one by one... to cheer her. Sweet shitting crikey.

9.50pm - Apparently it's going to get some men on Friday. (reads article below this one)

9.51pm - Posh girl called Emily. She has informed me that there is a new style of music called 'indie' and she fancies heroin pus bag Pete Doherty. The Daily Mail will love her after she states her loathing for stupid people. She has teeth worth £4000 and her arse will earn her at least half that when she's in The Sun in a month or two's time.

9.54pm - I need a wee. Then more booze. Sorry for any spelling mistakes.

9.58pm - I'm feeling quite drunk. More drunk than usual. I'm feeling happier too as I've realised that these people I'm writing about are on my telly and not, as I'd thought, moved into my house. Thank goodness for that.

9.59pm - Where are all the blokes? Laura. A welsh nanny. She looks a bit like the singer from The Gossip and I can't tell a word she is saying. She hates cigarettes. Really hates them. She doesn't really drink... so let's hope someone gets her hammered and she makes a massive fool out of herself. The public seem to like her though. Not much booing going on here... even though she likes to sweep up leaves at the local graveyard... for free.

10.04pm - Nicky. Looks a bit like someone from Liberty X. Or is it Big Brovaz (or however the piss you spell it). She likes to 'party hard' and is as awkward as a horse on a see-saw. She doesn't like men because they make her "sick". The sour faced glum bucket ends her VT with "Do I look miserable?". She was adopted from Mother Teresa's orphanage. I don't know what relevance that has but I thought you'd like to know all the same. She doesn't like bullshit... but would gladly 'shag' Callum Best.

10.10pm. Hello Carole. She's a gobby nightmare who wants us all to 'drop beats not bombs'. She's going out of the house quicker than she wobbles in thanks to consistent votes from her housemates. She's going to 'shake it something rotten' and she's "the fucking argument". She's an older lady and very left wing. I've got a feeling she's a widow due to her overcompensating. She recently went to a gig dressed as a mobile phone. Anyone? HELP!

10.12pm - Oh! Carole looks a bit like the witch from Simon and the Witch. Stick it in a search engine if you're unsure.

10.13pm - Carole and Laura seem to be loved by the crowd... presumably because they're not moronic things in thongs. With them being slightly portly, the nation seem to give them a bit more credit... which isn't such a bad thing I suppose.

10.14pm - Well, they're all locked in now... and the door will open up again on Friday when Big Brother chuck one bloke in. I'm drunk. Frightened. Apprehensive and certain that this loathsome bunch will be taking over my life for the foreseeable future. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Brother has arrived... [Mof Gimmers]

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